Pre-Holiday Eating Disorder Anxiety
Content Warning: Eating Disorders
Here's a photo of me on a completely unrelated holiday, but I looked really cute and I haven't blogged in a while, so here you go.
I'm walking down the street and I notice a few things: the Spirit Halloween on Steinway has disappeared, the Rockefeller tree is going up, and there are so, so many sale signs. My inbox is flooded with Black Friday deals, and I realize I should probably start packing to go home to my mom's.
Holidays, however, are not all fun and games when you're recovering from an eating disorder. As someone that has struggled with binge eating, I'm dreading being surrounded by food on Thanksgiving. Holiday food is scary. It's often sweet and fun but it can be so carb-heavy. And it comes out of nowhere! It's absolutely impossible to meal plan when I don't know who's bringing what. Should I just eat none of it? If I just stick to the things my mom made, will people think I'm rude? And why are we eating dinner at 1pm? That's not when I usually eat a big meal. Should I still eat carbs in the morning, or should I try to hold out until lunch?
Food is on my mind for about 85 percent of my day already, and it only gets worse on holidays. Social gatherings of any kind can be stressful for someone coping with an eating disorder, especially all-day events. I don't make the schedule, I don't make the decisions. Being out of control of a situation isn't fun for me.
Is it ever going to get easier? I wonder if it only gets worse from here. This year, I'm spending the holidays at my mom's, but what if someday I have a partner and I go to their house? What if none of the food "feels safe"?
I'm not really someone that looks forward to holidays, and my eating disorder is a really big part of that. The central theme of Thanksgiving is food, as if I need an excuse to think and talk about food any more than I already do. There's this mentality that you stuff your face on Thanksgiving and work off the "holiday weight" the next week. I'm already seeing ads promoting gyms and weight loss programs making us feel guilty for enjoying holiday treats.
Is there a point to this post? Am I giving you some life altering advice? No, because quite frankly I haven't gotten it all figured out yet. I try my best to focus on the fun parts of the holidays (seeing family and friends, dressing up, days off school), but my eating disorder is like a little black cloud hanging over my head. It's about to rain, and I don't have my umbrella.
If you're anxious about the holidays, too, please know you're not alone. And if none of this sounds like you at all, please remember that someone you love might be going through this and to be gentle. Maybe don't comment food or weight this Thanksgiving (or really, ever because it's pretty annoying when people do that). Let's be kind and send love so we can have a happy holiday :)
NEDA has this blog post about struggling with an ED during Thanksgiving, click here to read it or find other recovery resources:
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