My Daily ED Recovery Tasks
*This article contains real life experience of recovering from an eating disorder. Please use your discretion when reading and take care of yourself! If you or someone you know are struggling with an ED, please visit www.nationaleatingdisorders.org *
Disclaimer: This article should not be considered medical or nutritional advice. I am solely writing about my own experience in eating disorder recovery, and while you may find some of what I do to be helpful, it is important that you seek professional help, too. The purpose of this post is to shine a light on the fact that ED recovery is a lifelong process.
When talking about my eating disorder, I make an effort to speak in the present tense. I try to say things like "I have an eating disorder" or "I am anorexic". This can be very alarming for people to hear. There is a stigma around EDs and mental health issues in general, but it's fair to be concerned about your friend that admits this.
However, I chose to speak this way because my eating disorder will never be a thing of the past. When I say "I have anorexia", I don't (usually) mean I am actively starving myself and am attempting to lose weight in an unhealthy way. I mean that a voice in my head is always calculating how many calories I've eaten or guilting me into eating a certain way. I might appear to be fine, but I will be affected by this everyday for the rest of my life. Recovery is a commitment, and now I'm doing significantly better than I have in the past 13 years.
With that being said, moving forward with an eating disorder can be difficult day by day. I'm sharing some of the things that I have to do to get by. Please note, these are based on my work with a medical professional and my own research. It's important to seek help outside of my blog if you need it, however I do think it's important for the world to see the hard work we put into recovery!
1. Plan, Plan, and Plan
Meal planning and/or meal prepping is something people from all walks of life do. There's a lot of information out there on the best practices, but all it really is is making decisions about what you'll eat when and/or preparing your food in advance. I've gotten comfortable with not needing to do this well in advance, but typically the night before or the morning of I plan out what I'm going to eat throughout the day.
This helps reduce my anxiety. Theoretically, we "should" be eating meals that are balanced with proteins, carbs, and veggies/fruits, but we all have those mornings where a protein bar or a bagel is what we can squeeze in out the door. If I know I won't have time to make eggs in the morning, I'm sure to pack some protein heavy snacks to eat on my break. Vice versa, if I eat more for breakfast (say it's Saturday and my friends and I order brunch), I'll plan a healthier option for dinner that night.
And yes, these "rules", some originating from actual nutrition advice and some from my own fears about food, are cycling through my mind all day long. There is nothing that I put into my body that I haven't thought about beforehand or won't think about afterwards. It is a daily struggle to get away from these thoughts and focus on the rest of my life, but planning in advance and thinking my meals and snacks through helps elevate my stress later on.
2. Focus On My Own Needs
A common theme amongst ED survivors is the struggle to stay social during recovery. Restaurants, take out, or even just eating something a friend brought over can be stressful and triggering. Of course, the goal is to cope with this anxiety in order to participate in these activities to the best of my ability, however I know what's good for me and what's not. If I know that hitting up the gas station for some Oreos is going to keep me up at night, I skip the trip. If my friends are ordering in for dinner but I know I ate a fuller lunch, I make myself a salad. If no one else feels hungry for lunch, but I know it's time for some protein, I snag a yogurt.
There can be pressure to follow the crowd, but when planning is what gets me through my day, I make an effort to stick to it. I do my best, however, to still get the social experience. If my roomie is ordering pizza, I wait to eat with her even if I'm grabbing something from the fridge. If my friends want to go out to celebrate someone's promotion, I look up the menu ahead of time. I have to constantly remind myself not to compare my eating habits to anyone else's. Everyone is on their own journey, and eating healthy looks different on each person. It's so important that I take care of myself first, and not try to follow someone's else's path.
I do what I need to do, and I make it work. I'm also intentional about the people in my life. Most of my friends have been with me for years, and are accommodating when I need it. I can't tell you how much it means to me when my friends pick places they know I'll feel comfortable at (love y'all).
3. Set a Timer
Reconnecting with my hunger has been a challenge. I've learned that when you eat with others, you tend to eat slower, giving your body time to process what you're eating. When I eat quickly, my brain doesn't have time to catch up with the rest of my body, continuing to tell me I'm hungry even when I'm full. In order to re-connect to my appetite, I set a timer for 20 minutes on my phone while I eat if I'm eating alone. This helps my brain process what I've nourished myself with, and aids in telling my body when it's all set.
4. Journal
For years, I had no where to put my unhealthy thoughts and feelings about food. Unhealthy thoughts are part of living with an eating disorder, but I find it helpful to write them down. I have a separate journal solely for the negative things I hear in an effort to get them off my heart. I don't think it does any good to simply ignore these cruel words. By writing them down, I acknowledge their existence in a judgment free zone, then I put them away and do something positive to refocus my brain.
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I stab the paper with my pen because I'm so frustrated with it all. But keeping it bottled up doesn't help me move forward, so I let it out (and share with someone else when it gets too heavy for the page).
5. Listen to My Body
I am guilty of ignoring what my body is trying to tell me. Part of starving and bingeing is blocking out any messages your body is trying to send you. I need frequent check-ins with my body because I've silenced it for so long. I've found yoga to be a productive and peaceful space for me to do this, but even a simple mindful moment can go a long way. Taking a break from my to-do lists, my phone, and everything else that serves as a distraction from my own body is essential to my recovery.
6. Boost my Serotonin Levels
Depression and eating disorders are old friends, so to stay on track I gravitate towards the things that make me the happiest. Especially during this pandemic, where many of our favorite things (concerts, performances, Friday nights with friends) are put on hold, I find it so important to stay connected to what I love most. This can be anything from putting on my favorite record, re-reading an old book, watching 5SOS's "Carpool Karabloke" video for the 500th time, or calling my friends just to say how much I miss them.
It's so easy to fall down a rabbit hole, but I try to hold myself accountable and stick to the things I know will help me. My day might not look like the average person's, or even like someone else's who is also in recovery. But my day is just that- MY day, and I have to fit in what works in order to keep going.
February 22 marks the start of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. According to ANAD, about nine percent of the U.S. population is affected by an eating disorder. I am part of that statistic, and for years I kept this a secret. But I am so sick of the stigma and how EDs are portrayed in the media today, so I starting to speak out about this issue. So many of us are struggling, and it's so easy to feel alone. But I promise you you're not, and recovery is possible.
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