Filling in the Blanks

It's time to grow up and stop ghosting people.

According to good old Urban Dictionary, "ghosting" is "when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand". When you've been ghosted as many times as I have (insert cringey face emoji), you know the signs.

First, he breaks your snap streak and you're not getting a Snapchat message from him everyday. Next, you notice you're always the one to text last, trying to carry a conversation with a statue. Now, you haven't hung out in weeks. Then suddenly, he has vanished.

The fear of being ghosted lingers every time I date someone new. I don't get a text back and suddenly I'm spiraling, fearing I'll never know how it ends. The weeks of wondering, wondering, wondering have left me curious if I'll ever end up in a happy relationship at all. I can't even count how many times I've been ghosted. I'll be dating someone for weeks, then left on read with no idea what went wrong. Those holes in the wall get filled with cheap plaster, sewing back my heart together with dental floss.

When someone ghosts us or doesn't give us a reason as to why it won't work out, it leaves us to (as my therapist says) fill in the blanks. I'm left with a million whys and zero answers. When you struggle with a low self-esteem (or really, when you're just human), it's natural to blame yourself. I start to assume there was something wrong with me...I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't as outgoing or as hard-working as he wanted. There's something inherently wrong with me that makes me not good enough for him.

And yea, that's something I'm working on within myself, but that doesn't mean it's right for someone to make me feel that way in the first place.

They think it doesn't matter if you weren't "officially dating" or whatever that means. If you were just "talking", they don't owe you anything, right? Can't you just take the hint and move on?

Honestly, I think it's rude and immature to flat out ghost someone. Going from constant communication to hanging them out to dry is really just cruel. I'm not saying you have to dive in headfirst with every new partner. It's healthy to dip your toes in first, swim in the shallow end. It's okay to be dating and not skipping right to the relationship part right away while you get to know each other. But if it goes south or you're really just not interested, is ghosting really the way to go?

It's a bizarre and quite frankly, rude way to end any sort of relationship. Honesty is the best policy, so if you don't see it working out, it's better to just say it. Sure, confrontation is awkward, but you're being so much kinder if you just speak up rather than step out.

Leaving someone to fill in the blanks isn't fair. They've given you the time to get to know you, go out with you, take a chance on you...give them a good-bye so they can move on. Sure, they might be sad that it's over, but that's not on you. And the negative self-talk is a whole lot worse.

Maybe I sound a little bitter, but really I just think treating people with kindness and being honest is important and I'm not going to apologize for that :)